


you're going to miss me when i'm gone

by androgynousclintbarton



Category: Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, Multi, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-10
Updated: 2015-09-10
Packaged: 2018-04-20 03:27:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4771709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/androgynousclintbarton/pseuds/androgynousclintbarton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Usually when someone has a particular ritual, it comes with a story. but not all stories are full of happiness and sunshine.</p><p>Disclaimer: Song does not belong to me and is not being used for monetary gain</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. all habits have a story behind them

Everyone in SHIELD knew about the song, it was hard not to when the words would make their way through a different hallway, or room once in a while. It depended on how bad the missions were if they would hear the familiar words again, and if the voice would be full of hurt, desperation or, on a particularly bad mission, surrender.

At first it was thought to be a joke. A song that a few juniors heard in the locker room and thought was just a cool down from the latest mission. They were half right.

It has been a year since the song had been heard the first time, resonating through the men’s locker room with no one brave enough to go around the corner to see who the mysterious voice was. A Voice that disappeared without a trace of whoever it was singing, without a sign of having been there in the first place save for a dripping shower head or closing door in the hallway to a room full of multiple agents too engrossed in their work to notice the soft words themselves.

But just because the junior agents, and a large chunk of senior agents missed out on finding the owner of those soft, sad words, doesn’t mean everyone in SHIELD did.

* * *

 

Director Fury was the first one to find the singer, and no one should have expected any less. he knew when something was going on with his agents and particular trouble makers got special attention. However, for once Fury hadn’t gone looking for a young, reckless agent to yell at about nerf arrows and paintballs causing junior agents to have heart attacks in SHIELD hallways. This time he had gone looking for a kid with fresh blood still on his hands and nightmares festering in his mind for later use in sleepless nights.

He had just entered the locker room, closing the door behind him and snapping the lock closed so that no one came in to bother them. The sweet words filled the air and the choked off sobs were the only hint of pain.

_When I’m gone_

_When I’m gone_

_You’re going to miss me when I’m gone_

    When the shower had been turned off and the blond strands of hair dried, there was no hint that Fury had ever been in the same room save for a bottle of root beer in the Agents locker and a business card with a cellphone number scrawled onto the back alongside a pass code. It would be another 6 months before the code would be used to sneak into Fury’s office to hide away. 

 

* * *

 

The second person was a month behind Fury, following a disgruntled Agent through the hallways towards their room as they argued, trying to let them know that everything wasn’t their fault. That the mission had gone sideways because of lack of information rather than lack of sight.

“Would you just listen to me!?” Melinda’s voice cut through the hallway as he turned the door knob to his room and opened it, stopping on his way in and turning to face her “This is not your fault! Their deaths are not your fault”

“It’s my job to keep people safe. To be the eyes in the sky” His voice was cold and hard, covering up the hurt that she could see in his eyes “I failed in doing that, weather it was because of misinformation or not. I should have been able to keep them safe”

“You’re not a god” she protested

“No, but I’m supposed to be the best sniper out there. What use is that if people die on my watch?” The door slammed shut in front of her face before she could argue anymore, and her shoulders slumped in defeat as her feet staid stuck to the ground.

“Idiot…” She whispered to herself, ignoring the junior agents watching her as they passed by and keeping her eyes on the door for what felt life forever. Letting out a deep breath after a while she turned on her heel and started to walk before the familiar song started to cut through the air with a hint of pain in the voice.

_You’re going to miss me by my walk_

_You’re going to miss me by my talk_

_Oh you’re going to miss me when I’m gone_

    Turning back to the door she felt her mouth open, trying to find the words to match what she wanted to say. But nothing came out as the soft voice kept going.

____________________________________________________________

 

The third person was a mistake, and she knew what he thought as he laid on her lap, bleeding out into a strangers arms while his mouth moved with the gentle words and his eyes started to close.

Natasha had never been good with feelings, or understanding how someone could be so scared with the right amount of training. She knew what it was like to be laying on the ground, thinking this was it. That there would be no more missions, no more meals. That this was the final time she was going to breath.

But she had never heard such sweet words accompanied with the thought of death, and his voice radiated with despair and trust while she tried to slow the bleeding.

_When I’m gone_

_When I’m gone_

_You’re going to miss me when I’m gone._

   “you are not allowed to die” Her voice turned soft as she spoke to him “I do not appreciate you saving me and not giving me a chance to kick your ass for it” His laughter resonated through her legs, pulling a smile onto her face.

    “Sorry” he said softly, his eyes staying closed as the sound of a helicopter started to cut through the cold air towards them “I didn’t want anyone cutting in on our fight”

“Well then give me a chance to finish that fight”

    “That mean you’ll take the offer?” She allowed herself to smile a bit more, glad that his eyes were closed as she watched his breathing

“How else am I going to kick your ass again?” His breathing started to slow down as the helicopter got louder “Come onубийца. Hold on a bit longer. Help is on the way” 

“If help comes in the form…of a hot suit with brunette hair and a receding hair line, please tell him I at least got a replacement before disobeying order number 1”

“Hold on and tell him that yourself” She ordered, knowing it was most likely pointless to tell this mystery man what he had said if he lived “And then you can show me all those places you spoke of while we were fighting. I’ve never seen the empire state building”

“From the top” He laughed again “Can see the whole city from the top, it’s gorgeous”

“Then I look forward to you showing me” she said as the helicopter got closer and he started to sing again to keep his mind off of the pain.

* * *

 

     By the time Phil heard the song in person it had been 7 years since Clint Barton had joined shield, and 2 since he had brought Natasha Romanoff into their ranks with a bloody torso and soft words. This time however, it wasn’t a failed mission, his own injuries or the loss of someone else that had the younger man huddled into a corner singing to himself.

This time he was situated in a seemingly uncomfortable chair beside Phil’s hospital bed, one of the older man’s hands in his and his blond hair sticking to his face from a mixture of sweat a dry blood, all while the soft words passed his lips and made their way to Phil’s ears.

_When I’m gone_

_When I’m gone_

_You’re going to miss me when I’m gone_

_You’re going to miss me by my walk_

_You’re going to miss me by my talk_

_Ohhh_

_You’re going to miss me when I’m gone._

_I’ve got my ticket for the long way round_

_The one with the prettiest of views_

_It’s got mountains_

_It’s got rivers_

_It’s got sights that give you shivers_

_But it sure would be prettier with you_

Phil’s hand still didn’t move in Clint’s while he listened to the younger man’s sweet words, but there was no doubt that the blond knew he was awake, choosing to continue instead of cutting himself off.

“Is there a story?” His throat was dry when he finally spoke, but the laugh that came out of Clint’s mouth was worth it “to go with the song I mean. You never told anyone a story”

“It’s nothing really” Blue eyes opened slowly, wincing at the intrusion of light as he tried to focus on Clint sitting beside him “From long ago”

  “Tell me?” Clint smiled sadly at the thought “Please? I’m not going anywhere for a while”

Scanning his handler’s face Clint sighed as he tightened his grip on Phil’s hand and leaned forward a bit more “it’s from my circus days” He started off “Back then, there were a bunch of crazy people. The sword swallower who made the best hot chocolate you could find with a hint of whiskey, even for us kids.  Jaq was the guy who helped me learn to throw knives and stole my first stuffy for me”

“That god awful Captain America knock off stuffy?”

“Ya” Clint laughed “Ya that one. That was years before everything went to shit. When people still liked me and didn’t get annoyed by my presence” he stopped for a moment, looking down at the floor and letting himself process what he was going to say next “The bearded lady was the best. She let me read books with her, taught me how to cook whenever we had some down time. And I could visit whenever I wanted. She always seemed to have time for me”

“She sounds amazing”

“She was” He laughed softly “Had a gorgeous daughter to. We used to hang out all the time and she was one of the best acrobats I had ever seen. Taught me as much as she could about flips and cartwheels and a little bit of German”

       “What happened to her?”

“I married her” They both laughed, sending Phil into a coughing fit because of the dust still in his system “had two amazing kids and live on a farm with her”

“Laura’s an acrobat?” he asked between coughs and wheezes, smiling when Clint held out some water to him and helped him drink.

“Was” he corrected “still dabbles still, even started teaching Nicole, but she prefers her history books and studies now”

“She the one who gave you the song?” His throat burned with each word he spoke, and Clint held the water out to him again to drink.

“Nah, her mom was the singer” he smiled “Had….the most amazing voice, and she treated me just like a son”

“I take it she…song it a lot?”

“Not this one no” he smiled sadly “We only heard it once, but she had the words written down. It said someone else’s name so I’m guessing she heard it on a radio and liked it a lot or something”

“What happened? When you heard it?”

“She died” he said weakly “Laura always seemed to know she was going to go young, was prepped and everything for it. I….i wasn’t”

“How old?”

“15” he whispered “Had just become the main attraction at the circus when she was diagnosed with brain cancer. Guess it was growing since she was young, but carneys…we don’t get the best medical care available”

“So it went unnoticed”

“Till she couldn’t handle the migraines anymore” he nodded in agreement “Jaq took her in and brought back the bad news. He took everyone else to visit first and then Laura and me went with him. She wanted to see us alone”

    “You got to say goodbye at least”

“We stayed for the next two days” he remembered fondly “She told us stories just like it was a normal day, and then on that last day she started to fade really fast…..i don’t even know where it came from” he laughed, ignoring the tears the started to run down his face “she just….started to sing. Laura looked horrified for a moment cuz there was no warning. It just…happened and she kept going. And every word of it was true.”

“Did she finish?”

“nah” he laughed weakly, ducking his head and attempting to clean his face “No…something happened, I’m not sure of the logistics but she just….she just stopped and the monitors started to go off like crazy. Next thing I knew the doctors and nurses were pushing us out of the room and a week later Laura was gone from the circus. Guess she couldn’t do it anymore”

“And then you met again?”

“Went to get coffee after a bad op” he whispered “I always remembered the song so I thought…if I have to go or if someone has to leave me….if anything happened I wanted that to be the last thing they heard cuz it’s supposed to be some sort of cheerful song” he put a hand over his mouth and thought for a moment “didn’t even realize I was singing to myself, I was just looking down at the coffee in front of me and…going at it I guess. Laura heard me when she entered and the next thing I knew we were talking. Month later we finally went on a date…”

   “And now you’re married” they both laughed again

“Ya, now we’re married” he whispered “But it stuck. I just….i don’t want the last thing I say to someone to be ‘I love you’ or ‘well I screwed up’. I want it to be something that they can listen to over and over again and remember me by if they want to. And I don’t want the last thing someone else hears to be ‘you need to stay with me’. No one deserves to know they’re dying because of my panic, you know?”

“I know” Phil nodded in agreement, finally finding the strength to squeeze Clint’s hand back “you should go home”

“Can’t go home yet boss” The blond smiled softly “I promised Laura I’d bring a hot brunette over for dinner once he got better”

“Of course you did” He laughed again, coughing up some more dust and debris as Clint held onto his water “wouldn’t want to disappoint”

“That would definitely be a bad idea”

 

 

* * *

 

 

_I got my ticket for the long way round_

            Laura walked into the bedroom and stood in the doorway quietly as she watched her husband gripping Phil’s suit jacket between his fingers as he sang to himself.

_Two bottles of whiskey for the way_ __  
And I sure would like some sweet company  
And I'm leaving tomorrow  
what you say

            He buried his face in the soft fabric of the jacket, closing his eyes against the tears as he curled up into himself a bit more while she watched, knowing that he needed to finish before she could walk over to him. Knowing that he still blamed himself for the missing person in the house, and the kid’s sadness when Nick had come home with Clint in tow to tell them everything that had happened, and that Phil wouldn’t be coming joining them after paper work.

    His fingers curled into the black fabric even tighter as he buried his face into the suit jacket, trying to will away the last week as he continued to sing into the familiar feel of his face buried into Phil’s clothing.

    _When I'm gone_

__  
When I'm gone  
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone  
You're gonna miss me by my walk  
You're gonna miss me by my talk  
Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone  
  


As the song died down in his throat Laura let her feet lead her closer to him, being careful not to startle him when she saw his hearing aids sitting on the night stand. Finding her way to his side she sighed softly as she sat down on the bed beside him, smiling weakly when he jumped at the sudden movement.

“It’s ok” She said softly, making sure he was looking at her as she spoke “no talking needed. Just….i’m here.”

   Keeping an eye on him she smiled weakly as he moved into her arms, keeping the suit jacket close as his buried his face into her lap and closed his eyes while she ran her fingers through his hair.

   _I got my ticket for the long way round_

_Two bottle of whiskey for the way_

_And I sure would like some sweet company_ __  
And I'm leaving tomorrow  
what do you say

_When I’m gone_

_When I’m gone_

_You’re going to miss me when I’m gone_

_You’re going to miss me by my hair_

_You’re going to miss me everywhere_

_You’re going to miss me when I’m gone_

The words left her mouth easily for the first time in years, resonating in her chest as Clint kept his head against her body, focusing on the feeling of her vocals working as she sung to him.

__  
  



	2. Bonus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes we spend too much time with those we love, and pick up their habits in the process

_When I'm gone_  
 _When I'm gone_  
 _You're going to miss me when I'm gone_  
  
"You really need to stop hanging out with Clint and Laura" Melinda looked over at her partner, leaning her shoulder against his as Nick flopped down beside them and put his gun down  
  
"He already lives at their place, how do you expect him to do that?" Nick laughed, pulling out his magazine and checking it with a sigh "almost out of ammo"  
  
"There can't be that much further to go" the two men looked over at May and she huffed "I hate it when they're decked out in guns and I have no surprise attack up my sleeve"  
  
"You already kicked half of their asses by hand" Phil laughed "after a while one tends to lose the element of surprise, even when they're as bad ass as you or romonoff"  
  
"Doesn't mean I can't be upset about it" she smirked, watching as Nick checked on Phil's head wound "now stay with us old man. I don't want to have to explain your death to the kids"  
  
 _I got my ticket for the long way round_  
 _The one with the prettiest of views_  
 _Its got mountains_  
 _Its got rivers_  
 _Its got sights that'll give you shivers_  
 _But it sure would be prettier with you_  
  
"I'll make sure to let Laura know you miss her" Melinda smirked "now stay awake. I still need you to walk and shoot"  
  
"Not dying" he protested "just...sleepy"  
  
"Sleep at home" she said softly as Nick patched him up as quickly as possible "with a comfy bed, Clint and Laura to cuddle and kids to wake you up in the morning" he hummed softly at the thought, letting himself visualize the scene in his mind with a smile pulling at his lips "but you need to shoot your way home first so I don't have to listen to Barton sing that song for the next year"  
  
"Three years" Nick corrected, reloading his weapon once he was done with Phil's head wound "ready to go cheese?"  
  
"And get you back to Natasha? Of course" he smiled "let's not make two people miss us"  
  
"Now that's what I like to hear" Nick smirked, clapping Phil on the shoulder "and yes"  
  
"Yes what?" The brunette asked as he checked his weapon  
  
"Yes, we would miss you if you were gone cheese" the taller man smirked before starting to move into the line of fire again  
  
"Ditto" Melinda smirked "you're not allowed to die till after Us"  
  
"I'll do my best boss" he promised with a smiled, following them back into the fire fight as he continued to hum under his breath


End file.
